Writing the Book Is Not the Hard Part

I've written many books. Nine and some change, to be exact. The actual construction of the novel, at this point, is not as difficult for me as many other things in this profession. I teach seminars on how to write novels. I have my preferred method for that part down pretty well (not to say that I'm not a lifetime learner--I am). But the writing is not really my struggle right now, and I'd wager I'm not the only writer who's ever been in this position. I've already blogged this year about finding time to work, and about needing rest, so I won't bellyache any more about that. No, what I'm getting at here is playing the long game in the author career, and about the ache of silence and unfulfilled dreams.

My husband and I went to see the movie La La Land for my birthday last month. If you haven't seen it, you've probably at least heard that it's a musical and that it was highly acclaimed. It was a transcendent movie experience for me--one that perfectly juxtaposed dreaming with reality, and the raw emotion of rejection and failure with the soaring heights of what it feels like to succeed. In my favorite song of the film, the main character (Mia) sings,

"And here's to the ones who dream
Foolish as they may seem
Here's to the hearts that ache
Here's to the mess we make"

I've been doing a lot of dreaming for a lot of years. Since I was a child, really. And while I've achieved some of my dreams, I'm far from where I want to be as an author. These days I feel more like the aching is taking over. Writing the book--the books--is not the hard part. The hard part is waiting and not knowing if my career is ever going to soar to the heights of my dreams. The hard part is not letting my aching heart break. The hard part is sending out query after query to agents and being rejected or just not hearing anything back at all. The hard part is reminding myself that it's not personal--that it's not that I'm not good enough.

If you go see (or at this point, rent) La La Land, perhaps you'll understand why I sat and wept through portions of it.

"She told me
'A bit of madness is key
To give us new colors to see
Who knows where it will lead us?
And that's why they need us'

So bring on the rebels
The ripples from pebbles
The painters, and poets, and plays

And here's to the fools who dream
Crazy as they may seem
Here's to the hearts that break
Here's to the mess we make"

*"Audition" written by Justin Hurwitz, Benj Pasek, and Justin Noble Paul, copyright Warner/Chappell Music, Inc